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Well, well, well, what do you know? Another Monday come and gone where instead of make the laundry that’s been stack up on my flooring and threatening to swallow my dog totality, I’m instead bonded to my Tv, investing what’s left of my duration, energy, and life force into a woman who abuses her ability to wear a cutout dress. This is truly my cross to bear. Now, when last-place we left off , Hannah and the men had just moored in Scotland. Hannah and Mike went on their first one-on-one date, which was about as romantically inducing as me trying to choose a grocery store. Then there was the group date where the men vied in a real life Highland Games that promptly be converted into a deleted place from Boys Gone Wild: Abroad ! em> when every single guy decided to go commando. And by the end of the chapter, Hannah find herself requesting the age-old question: is she actually that into Luke P. or is he simply tall? It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
Part I: Luke P’s Date Continued
Which imparts us to where we are now: Hannah is STILL going back and forth about whether she wants to give Luke P a rose. This is what I paint The Bad Place to be like: Hannah and Luke P precisely reciting how foiled they are with each other until the end of time.
Wow. I’m shocked that Hannah is actually going to send him residence. I concluded for sure he was the one in the previews who slut-shamed her at the end of the season. He exactly has that look about him.
Also, sidenote, I’m only realizing Luke P’s job title speaks “import/ export manager.” Do we think that exactly intends he gets his love steroids? And someone else gets him steroids? Let’s discuss in the comments, K?
I love that Hannah tells Luke it’s over and he told me that he respects that decision AND THEN BLATANTLY DISREGARDS HER DECISION. Luke decides that the rules of Bachelor/ ette terminations do not apply to him and goes back to try and talk Hannah into holding him a arise. I would say he’s a ruler manipulator, but tbh, this is actually merely mediocre directly white-hot person behavior. Sighs.
“I felt like crying, I felt like screaming ,” says the man who has remained emotionless this entire season. He’s literally precisely recurring Hannah’s words back to her and hoping that something stays. Tbh this is just most compelling proof that Luke P is actually another genetically engineered cyborg created in a secret ABC studios laboratory. If he starts malfunctioning and fire shooting missiles through his pecs, we’ll know something is up for sure.
” I WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU .” Lololololol. You guys, he was reading straight from a producer’s script with that boundary. And the producer got it from the Hallmark Channel original movie they watched at 3am while drinking the content of their mini bar.
Okay, Luke is a sociopath and not even a very good one. I can see your apathy indicate through your abominable activity of pretending to have human emotion, Luke! IT’S SHOWING !!
Meanwhile, back at the inn, the men debate if Hannah and Luke’s one-on-one date is to be able to f* cking boundary. Candidly, same. Precisely when I’m thinking I’ll be aged enough to collect social security systems before this godforsaken date resolves, Luke saunters back into the house. Soooo I approximates Hannah caved then? He’s staying?
The boys are equally perplexed. Luke tells them that he didn’t get the date rose but will be advancing to this week’s rose formality. Luke’s like “that was the worst date of my life” and it’s like , no, Luke, I’m pretty sure that was the worst date of my life. For me, it lasted two weeks !!
Part II: The Rose Ceremony
Before the cocktail party, Luke pates to a religiou to seek spiritual steering about his relationship with Hannah. Funny he wouldn’t consult his shower first…
Dear god, what is Hannah wearing on her shoulders right now? It’s like someone took a hot glue gun and sequins to my mom’s favorite blazer from the 80 s. Likewise, Hannah, NEVER MIX WHITE AND CREAM. Who told you this was okay to do on national goddamn video? This is impelling me very nervous that Cary Fetman, stylist to the
performs future FabFitFun spouses, is back on his bullsh* t. And by “bullsh* t” I entail vandalizing ABC’s styling budget and calling it fashion.
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Tune in tonight’s Rose Ceremony to see @ alabamahannah& the drama. Hannah is wearing @ randirahm white brocade& quartz coat over a Randi Rahm tank with a crystal fissure. @charlielapson jewelry. Make-up @ginamo11 Styling @krystine_couch @bacheloretteabc @bachelor_nation
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He must be so proud!
Garrett starts concepts off tonight by grilling Hannah on her decision to keep Luke. Oh, honey, babe, dear , no. Just … no. Doesn’t he know that the first rule of surviving any rose ritual is to never, EVER bring up another rival during your one-on-one time together? Sh* t talking is something you do while waiting in line for the lavatory, Garrett , not to set the feeling on a time!
Things promptly go from bad to worse when Garrett relays his discussion with Hannah to Luke in front of the rest of the men. It’s like that incident out of The Lion King where Scar comes snacked alive by a assortment of hyenas, except replace “hyenas” with “men who feel more strongly about protein shakes than reproduction rights.”
Dylan/ Devin/ A Complete Stranger hops into the conversation and is like, “when I’m with Hannah I simply focus on her and our relationship” and it’s like, WHO EVEN ARE YOU THOUGH ?? This is truly rich coming from him. I find it hard to believe his relationship is as strong as he claims it is, seeing as how I know more about Luke P’s showers than I do basic facts about this guy’s bio.
Hannah chugging her champagne in a dark chamber while listening to the men argue about what’s best for her is a 2019 humor, honestly.
Hannah comes accusing back into the room, and what takes place on my screen is more iconic than the entire last season of Game of Thrones .
HANNAH : strong> I’m sorry, but I felt this thing was announced The Bachelorette and you were all contractually obligated to focus on me. No? Cool.
Yessssss, queen. F* cking slay. Hannah persists absolutely rending all of these men a brand-new asshole and it’s the most beautiful, real thing I’ve ever watched on this entire godforsaken show. She tells them that she’s done with all of the theatre and the fighting and that these beings do not know one real thing about her, it’s all superficial bullsh* t, and I’m not crying, you’re crying.
HANNAH : strong> It’s not just Luke P who utters me achievement psycho! It’s all of you!
Honestly, Alabama Hannah 2020, on the platform that we round up all the men in encloses and exclusively tell them out for raise, or until they can learn to behave themselves. Whichever comes first.( Probably the rearing tbh ).
Hannah leaves the men to their hopes AND THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING. It’s less about Luke now and more about who can agree with Hannah the most that adults ain’t sh* t, but the petty competitive stance is still super strong in that room.
Meanwhile, Hannah resumes chugging booze and lamenting humbly into her champagne glass. Chris Harrison stumbles upon her and you can tell he’s pondering if he should just slowly back up the channel he came.
HANNAH : strong>* sobs uncontrollably*
CHRIS HARRISON : strong> Hannah, delight don’t cry on my suit.
^^ Real footage of Chris Harrison trying to solace Hannah rn
Chris is like, “Hannah, it’s your party! You’re contractually obligated to have fun! Come on! ” Chris Harrison, ladies in gentlemen, ever coming in clutch with the pep talks.
Hannah tells Chris that the party is over, which I suspect she conveyed literally because we move right into the rose ritual. As the men line up for the
firing squad liturgy, Hannah dishonor them all one last-place day with her eyes and I throw up the District 12 three thumb homage from my couch in solidarity.
Final Rose Cut: Kevin, one of the Devins/ Dylans, and the alcoholic Bill Pullman lookalike of my reveries, Grant, all do sent home. While I’m sad to see Grant lead, it’s better this acces because now me and @SweetestBetchYou’ llEverMeet can combat it out for his affections in his DMs. See you there, sister!
Part III: Latvia& Other Moments From My Own Personal Hell
Following the develop ceremony, the men are off to Latvia. I know this because Peter plucks out his map and laser cursor and continues to tell us fun Latvian facts as if he is a connoisseur of culture and not only a guy who slammed a Latvian chick on one of his layovers.
Okay, Hannah get rid of Grant but impeded this buster in a scarf? Are you forking kidding me with this?
As the chaps praises to new beginnings and outpouring scarves, Hannah is having a informal mental meltdown in a Latvian cafe with Chris Harrison. I adore that she’s treating Chris as if he is an actual licensed therapist and not only a straw of a soldier who exchanged his soul to Mike Fleiss back in the 90 s. It’s cute.
I will say that Hannah has some valid concerns she’s expressing here. If 20+ souls were tied by God and ABC’s ironclad contracts to be into me for six straight weeks and STILL hadn’t asked me a single goddamn question about myself, I’d be done too. And, candidly, props to Hannah for standing up for herself. I feel like she’s the only lead on this present who has ever helped this much about forming real a relationship with parties. I’m so here for it.
ABC takes a detour from the escapade to show us a
regiman hearing random hiatu between Hannah and Chris Harrison that have already been taken place post-production. I’m sorry, but what is actually happening on my screen right now? It sounds like they’re recapping footage we just watched with our own freaking noses. This is my own personal Hell. Like, am I having a stroke? How stoned does ABC think I am right now?
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I’m candidly storming about this right now. Is this going to be the rest of the episode? Just random, filler bullsh* t OF THINGS WE JUST WATCHED. I can’t believe they dare waste my epoch like this! I COULD BE WATCHING A FOUR-YEAR-OLD EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS RIGHT NOW, PEOPLE.
In this bizarro life where we are not in Latvia, but rather in a blaze of our Mike Fleiss’ own performing, Chris Harrison is like “Hannah, you came into tonight wanting to quit, where are you now with that? ” I’m sorry, where is SHE now ?! HOW ABOUT YOU ASK ME WHERE I AM, CHRIS. Hanging by a f* cking weave, that’s where.
And that’s where the occurrence wraps up. I choose I was kidding. Chris Harrison does tantalize “never before seen footage for the rest of the season” as if the cost of watching said footage was not the rage-induced twitch I’ve developed in my left attention. ABC, I’ll see you in court next week.
Images: Giphy( 5 ); @caryfetman/ Instagram( 1 ); @chrisbharrison/ Instagram( 1 ); Walt Disney Television Press
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